This morning I had the weirdest craving for protein pancakes. Not the kind where you just throw some protein powder into your pancake mix. It was a craving for the kind that you eat when you’re prepping for a bodybuilding show. When your diet calls for ½ cup of oats and egg whites in the morning so you decide to get creative and mix it all together, then throw that mixture on the stove and call it a pancake. I’m not sure if this craving came from my pregnancy hormones running rampant, or if it was a subconscious decision from a seed that was put into my head at my last prenatal appointment.
Right now I’m weighing in at a whopping 170 pounds. That’s the most I’ve ever weighed in my entire life, in fact I weigh more than Ryan does right now, talk about depressing. 170 pounds puts me up 30 pounds from my pre pregnancy weight, which still falls into the healthy range for pregnancy weight gain.
If you know me, or follow me on social media you know all about my past when it comes to dealing with food and body image. I am a recovered anorexic, but just because I’m “recovered” doesn’t mean I still don’t have major issues when it comes to food and my weight. Sure, I don’t starve myself anymore and I haven’t done that in a while, but if I’m being completely honest with you all, I still purge if life gets really stressful and my whole day revolves around counting macros and thinking about food.
At my last midwife appointment I thought everything was going well, my blood pressure was excellent, 112/68, and I knew the scale said 170 pounds, but in my mind that was still normal. As the midwife began putting my weight into the computer she informed me that my weight gain was alarming. She then commented to me that maybe I ought to “think about going to the gym a bit.”
Oh. My. God. Did she really just tell me to consider a trip to the gym? Does she not know who I am? Does she not know what my life revolves around? Did she not check my file and see that she was dealing with someone who has a diagnosed eating disorder?! Obviously not. I wanted to cry right then and there. But I held it in then told her that I work out 6 days a week, probably doing more than a pregnant person should. She then proceeded to tell me that she “wasn’t saying that I should starve myself but” I “didn’t really need to eat carbs.” Oh, and that I should “just stick to eating fruits and veggies from now on.” Also that my protein shakes “have too many carbs in them and those are what’s causing the weight gain.”
By this point my mind is absolutely reeling. First off, yes I do need carbs especially now when my body has absolutely no energy. Do I need to eat a shit ton of bread and pasta? No, but I’m pretty sure that ½ a cup of rice or a 5 ounce potato isn’t the cause of my weight gain. Second, telling someone that they don’t need to starve themselves but should just eat fruits and veggies is an anorexic behavior (it would totally be different if I was vegan.) In high school I would go all day only ingesting an apple and some carrot sticks. The macronutrients in veggies are miniscule, where would I get any fuel for my body? And third, my protein shakes have 3 grams of carbs in them…..3! I highly doubt that is what is causing my weight gain.
The appointment ended with the midwife checking baby Hendo’s heart rate, he kicked her pretty hard, so my guess is that he knew that she made me upset. I left the birth center feeling defeated and had thoughts in my mind that I hadn’t had since high school. Thoughts of restricting and starving. I cried when I got home, then I cried when I explained to Ryan why I was in such a terrible mood. That night I threw up dinner.
I know that midwife was just trying to keep my best interest in mind. I guess she really had no clue about my past. But it still hurts to basically have someone tell you that you’re fat. After thinking a lot about the subject of pregnancy weight gain, I’ve come to some conclusions: My vitals are excellent, I do not have hypertension, I have absolutely no swelling, and my glucose levels are excellent. If any of these things were out of order then I would understand her concern for my weight. My body knows what it’s doing. I know that I eat a healthy balanced diet. And I also know that the weight I have gained is weight that my body needs to sustain a life. I was in such a deficit before I got pregnant, I was so lean that you couldn’t pinch me because you’d only grab a bit of skin. A body that lean wasn’t going to grow a child. For right now I ‘m just putting that midwife appointment behind me and continuing to do what I’ve been doing because I know what’s best for my mind, my spirit, my body, and my baby.
P.S. I really hope this didn’t make me sound like a whiney mom-to-be who had her feelings hurt.
Xo,
Ster
Right now I’m weighing in at a whopping 170 pounds. That’s the most I’ve ever weighed in my entire life, in fact I weigh more than Ryan does right now, talk about depressing. 170 pounds puts me up 30 pounds from my pre pregnancy weight, which still falls into the healthy range for pregnancy weight gain.
If you know me, or follow me on social media you know all about my past when it comes to dealing with food and body image. I am a recovered anorexic, but just because I’m “recovered” doesn’t mean I still don’t have major issues when it comes to food and my weight. Sure, I don’t starve myself anymore and I haven’t done that in a while, but if I’m being completely honest with you all, I still purge if life gets really stressful and my whole day revolves around counting macros and thinking about food.
At my last midwife appointment I thought everything was going well, my blood pressure was excellent, 112/68, and I knew the scale said 170 pounds, but in my mind that was still normal. As the midwife began putting my weight into the computer she informed me that my weight gain was alarming. She then commented to me that maybe I ought to “think about going to the gym a bit.”
Oh. My. God. Did she really just tell me to consider a trip to the gym? Does she not know who I am? Does she not know what my life revolves around? Did she not check my file and see that she was dealing with someone who has a diagnosed eating disorder?! Obviously not. I wanted to cry right then and there. But I held it in then told her that I work out 6 days a week, probably doing more than a pregnant person should. She then proceeded to tell me that she “wasn’t saying that I should starve myself but” I “didn’t really need to eat carbs.” Oh, and that I should “just stick to eating fruits and veggies from now on.” Also that my protein shakes “have too many carbs in them and those are what’s causing the weight gain.”
By this point my mind is absolutely reeling. First off, yes I do need carbs especially now when my body has absolutely no energy. Do I need to eat a shit ton of bread and pasta? No, but I’m pretty sure that ½ a cup of rice or a 5 ounce potato isn’t the cause of my weight gain. Second, telling someone that they don’t need to starve themselves but should just eat fruits and veggies is an anorexic behavior (it would totally be different if I was vegan.) In high school I would go all day only ingesting an apple and some carrot sticks. The macronutrients in veggies are miniscule, where would I get any fuel for my body? And third, my protein shakes have 3 grams of carbs in them…..3! I highly doubt that is what is causing my weight gain.
The appointment ended with the midwife checking baby Hendo’s heart rate, he kicked her pretty hard, so my guess is that he knew that she made me upset. I left the birth center feeling defeated and had thoughts in my mind that I hadn’t had since high school. Thoughts of restricting and starving. I cried when I got home, then I cried when I explained to Ryan why I was in such a terrible mood. That night I threw up dinner.
I know that midwife was just trying to keep my best interest in mind. I guess she really had no clue about my past. But it still hurts to basically have someone tell you that you’re fat. After thinking a lot about the subject of pregnancy weight gain, I’ve come to some conclusions: My vitals are excellent, I do not have hypertension, I have absolutely no swelling, and my glucose levels are excellent. If any of these things were out of order then I would understand her concern for my weight. My body knows what it’s doing. I know that I eat a healthy balanced diet. And I also know that the weight I have gained is weight that my body needs to sustain a life. I was in such a deficit before I got pregnant, I was so lean that you couldn’t pinch me because you’d only grab a bit of skin. A body that lean wasn’t going to grow a child. For right now I ‘m just putting that midwife appointment behind me and continuing to do what I’ve been doing because I know what’s best for my mind, my spirit, my body, and my baby.
P.S. I really hope this didn’t make me sound like a whiney mom-to-be who had her feelings hurt.
Xo,
Ster